February 25, 2010

More "best of" re-runs from Madame Luke. This one is from December 2007.

Today is the first day I can say four particular English words in a particular order.  Many many people use these words in this fashion.  I, however, am behind the curve and despite living in the town, state and west coast that I do, am finally able to say, truthfully (yet with full awareness of all cultural kitsch that go along with them):

“I’m doing a cleanse.”

Clearly I’m overdue.  I’ve had that “blech”, or “yuck” or “feh” feeling for quite awhile and have become weary of attributing it to my catch-as-catch-can diet and lack of exercise.  I’ve decided to properly assess blame and point to build-up of toxins!  (IMPORTANT NOTE:  I will not be updating or detailing the process of said cleanse.  No way, no how.)

Here are some examples of the closest phrases to the above  that I have used in my lifetime:

“This cleanser scratched my sink.”
“My cleanser burns my skin.” (note in retrospect – try in sink)
“…something something sins are cleansed something something”  (Catholic upbringing obviously didn’t stick)
“I heard that speed is cut with cleanser”

Here are some examples of lifestyle changes most closely resembling cleanses that I have undertaken in my lifetime, along with the accompanying results of each:

“This is the worst hangover I’ve ever had in my life.  I’m never drinking again.”
- Result: inconclusive (failed)

“My doctor is so stupid.  I feel fine.  I’m just going to stop taking these pills.”
- Result: dizziness, mild hallucinations (non-enjoyable), request for prescription refill

“Meat is murder (fattening murder)! I’m going to be a vegetarian.”
- Result: bacon is delicious and overpowering.  Pants available in size 16

“I’m allergic to dairy and wheat.  I’m going to give them up.”
-Result: define “allergic.”  Sensitive is really a more appropriate term, and in today’s world being sensitive is good. I wish more people were sensitive, don’t you? 

“I’m doing a cleanse” is the new “What’s your sign?”

I know this because I was watching Santa Clause 3 (I have children) and the snarky Jack Frost character (Martin Short) turns down a sweet treat with a breathy aside “No thanks, I’m doing a cleanse.”

(Note, this is entirely different than "getting clean," a common phrase, claim and activity used in the '90's, one I thankfully never had to deal with, no pun intended.  Some examples might include:
"My drummer is getting clean since he hocked all his drums for junk.")

So who’s going to make me a confession? Try writing to madameluke@scshop.com. Give me permission to quote you.  You know I will.



Oh, and here's a nice picture of two persons I take turns liking:


1 comment:

Sheila said...

Madam Luke, you are a stalwart defender of parodic existentialism. I have always adored your unmatched wit and physical stamina, if not beauty!
I remain in my remains, such that they are, yours, Reijo.