February 27, 2010

Four years ago, during the 2006 Winter Olympics, I had the following thoughts. Still apropos...

RECENTLY DISCOVERED OPTIONAL DIALOGUE FOR 97.44% OF OLYMPIC ICE DANCING ROUTINES. At least this is my best guess after watching way too much ice dancing, way too late at night.

Boy/Girl (together): Here we are!
Boy: I love you
Girl: I love you, too
Boy: This is nice, the skating, the dancing
Girl: Whee!
Boy: I think I’ll hold you near
Girl: Wait, I’ve decided I hate you
Boy: Come back here!
Girl: No, stay away
Boy: But we had a love
Girl: A shameful, hurtful love
Boy: But who else can please you like this?!
Girl: I look the other way thusly!!
Boy: Damnit, wench, you’re mine, now and always!
Girl: The confusion is making me spin
Boy: My love lifts you high
Girl: I melt for you after all
Boy: We are together again. The happiness makes me giddy. And spin.
Girl: Whee!
Boy/Girl (together): Here we are!

1984 Gold Medalists Torvill & Dean, reconciling. There they are!

DIZZYING HEIGHTS or JUMP JIVE AND WAIL (or is it TWIST AND SHOUT?). Along with the hours and hours of figure skating, I've also been watching the other, less diva-populated sports. Last night I watched the freestlye ski-jumping. Is that what it's called? It reminded me of the Summer Olympics' high dive competition for two reasons: 1) they start up high and end down low, 2) I have no idea how to watch them twist, turn or flip. Really. The commentator can detail every double or triple this or that, and I can be staring at the athlete in action, and I still cannot tell what's going on. "Aaaww..." the informed announcer will say, "He tried for a triple and had to pull out at the double, leaving the last three-quarters of the twist for his next run." Really? I would have probably just said, "Wow! Look at him go," every time, for every jump. I would know when to throw in, "Well, he fell down that time," or maybe "His outfit is white with blue stripes," and I can spot a good landing from a bad. But please, tell me I'm not the only one who feels like I'm watching my blender while making a smoothie, trying to find the banana in the whirlwind.

British Olympic Freestyle Ski Jumper.

(sitting on couch)

February 25, 2010

More "best of" re-runs from Madame Luke. This one is from December 2007.

Today is the first day I can say four particular English words in a particular order.  Many many people use these words in this fashion.  I, however, am behind the curve and despite living in the town, state and west coast that I do, am finally able to say, truthfully (yet with full awareness of all cultural kitsch that go along with them):

“I’m doing a cleanse.”

Clearly I’m overdue.  I’ve had that “blech”, or “yuck” or “feh” feeling for quite awhile and have become weary of attributing it to my catch-as-catch-can diet and lack of exercise.  I’ve decided to properly assess blame and point to build-up of toxins!  (IMPORTANT NOTE:  I will not be updating or detailing the process of said cleanse.  No way, no how.)

Here are some examples of the closest phrases to the above  that I have used in my lifetime:

“This cleanser scratched my sink.”
“My cleanser burns my skin.” (note in retrospect – try in sink)
“…something something sins are cleansed something something”  (Catholic upbringing obviously didn’t stick)
“I heard that speed is cut with cleanser”

Here are some examples of lifestyle changes most closely resembling cleanses that I have undertaken in my lifetime, along with the accompanying results of each:

“This is the worst hangover I’ve ever had in my life.  I’m never drinking again.”
- Result: inconclusive (failed)

“My doctor is so stupid.  I feel fine.  I’m just going to stop taking these pills.”
- Result: dizziness, mild hallucinations (non-enjoyable), request for prescription refill

“Meat is murder (fattening murder)! I’m going to be a vegetarian.”
- Result: bacon is delicious and overpowering.  Pants available in size 16

“I’m allergic to dairy and wheat.  I’m going to give them up.”
-Result: define “allergic.”  Sensitive is really a more appropriate term, and in today’s world being sensitive is good. I wish more people were sensitive, don’t you? 

“I’m doing a cleanse” is the new “What’s your sign?”

I know this because I was watching Santa Clause 3 (I have children) and the snarky Jack Frost character (Martin Short) turns down a sweet treat with a breathy aside “No thanks, I’m doing a cleanse.”

(Note, this is entirely different than "getting clean," a common phrase, claim and activity used in the '90's, one I thankfully never had to deal with, no pun intended.  Some examples might include:
"My drummer is getting clean since he hocked all his drums for junk.")

So who’s going to make me a confession? Try writing to madameluke@scshop.com. Give me permission to quote you.  You know I will.



Oh, and here's a nice picture of two persons I take turns liking:


February 24, 2010

Double Dipping into my blogging past, I bring you fool's gold from February 2008:


The calendar year so far has been challenging healthwise, not to say traumatic, just annoying.  But at least I like my doctor and his staff, I have health insurance and am 100% certain that I am the only person any of you know (virtually or in reality) who has received the diagnoses of the following two afflictions within the same month, afflictions which are demographically and nomenclaturally (is that a word?) comical.  Are you ready?  You will think me a liar and a fraud, but perhaps a more interesting party guest (at least after the anti-biotics are finished):  Thrush and scurvy.  Yes, I have gone from infant to pirate, traveled from crib to high seas, pacifier to cutlass, all within four to six weeks time.  I'm thinking next up for me will probably be St. Vitus Dance, carbuncles or cat scratch fever.  And of course I always mistake whooping cough for a good old time, until I have it. (Note to pirates, mothers of babies with thrush, and sufferers or caregivers of others with unfortunately named diseases:  I am really not intending to make light of any affliction or hardship caused by ill health, only the names we attach to these afflictions.  Please take this in the spirit I offer. Signed, Dr. Smart Ass)


This is apparently today's reference image for scurvy, according to the world wide inter-web-net.  I don't actually feel this menacing or criminally inclined right now, although I wouldn't put it past me, if you know what I mean.

This is not at all what thrush looked or felt like.  If this is what thrush looked or felt like, people would be lining up to catch it.  I chose this image to represent my bout with thrush because if you do your own damned search for images you will be disgusted and thank me for not posting anything other than this nice woman resting peacefully with HER MOUTH SHUT.