November 13, 2010

Modified Sudden Death? Pass the Cheesecake!

The football clock, akin to the atomic clock.
As 2010 moves to its inevitable wrap-up, and I look back over the news stories, discoveries and revelations made over the past twelve months, I can’t be alone in naming the #1 most important policy change for humankind: the NFL Modified Sudden Death ruling.  (Wait! For those of you who just considered this piece “out of my comfort zone,” please continue – this has huge ramifications for anyone still breathing.)

Let’s be frank. Whether or not you are a football fan, you must admit sooner or later that the rules of gridiron engagement all eventually become pertinent in your daily life. Who hasn’t depended on the flip of a coin during decision-making, whether where to eat dinner or which charming bachelor to marry? Who hasn’t been sacked, from a job or a relationship? Who hasn’t punted on fourth down, whether making a final desperate plea with a collection agency or offering complete bullshit at a board meeting in hopes of gaining a few yards, hours, or clients? Personally, I’ve been guilty of “delay of game” for years now, and am hoping that higher caffeine and B12  intake will solve the problem.

That said, my eyes lit up this past March when I heard the words “Modified Sudden Death” emanate from my car radio. Certainly I knew this was a football rule changer (for those of you not familiar with the rule, it essentially forces longer interactive game play during an overtime situation before a team is victorious). However, the broader reaching ramifications were crystal clear in an instant, because, as evidenced in my previous paragraph, sports regulations always find their way into life regulations.

What does this mean to me, Kim Luke, non-football playing liver of life? (and by extension you, dear reader.)

Consider the massive coronary, up to now obviously a Sudden Death situation. Beginning in 2011, under the Modifed Sudden Death rule, the receiver of the massive coronary would have to also suffer an impailment, fall from a tall building or cliff, or perhaps drown as well. The odds of remaining alive for at least another ten yards (which translates in football time to approximately seven years) are magnificent!
Till Modified Sudden Death do us part.

If we look into the sealed documents surrounding the passing of this Modified Sudden Death ruling, I think we’ll find that the NRA and the Hay Baler Manufacturers of America both played a large part in lobbying for the change.

A high-ranking member of the NRA, who asked to remain anonymous, was overheard saying, “It’s really fantastic for gun owners and users, and pretty much all the people who get shot starting in 2011. This new ruling will make gun use a lot more fun for everyone.”

Abigail Brunton, whose husband was among the thousands of victims of baler-on-farmer violence last year, understands firsthand the implications. “Helford would still be here today,” adding on further reflection, “Well, maybe not, since he had also just eaten a three-week old roast pork sandwich, but others could be saved.”

I’m sure all of you, sports fans or not, now realize the importance of heeding rule changes on the court, track, field and ice. With this football change, your end game strategy just became more optimistic. However, be aware that the three-point line in basketball is in the process of being moved back by a few inches. This clearly translates into additional effort required in daily life to really impress the shit out of girls.

In any case, heed the wise words of my hero, John Madden, “Some yards is better than none yards.” There’s just no arguing with that.

(Kim Luke loves the sound of a football game in the background, and hopes one day to be the John Madden of roller derby, incorporating buffets, drawings and RV travel into my commentaries. Send your strategies to

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